Unlocking Connection: Loving Your Teen Through the Age of Screens & Isolation
Raising our daughter Eva was the highlight of our lives – until the teen years hit. Nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared us for the perfect storm of adolescence, COVID isolation, and the relentless pull of social media and cell phones.
I was at a loss during these years. We did our best to navigate the mood swings and the isolation. As parents, we were desperate for our sweet daughter back. When she was little, everyone always told us to "enjoy every moment, it goes by fast." I really did listen to that advice, but somehow, we still took our connection for granted.
Perhaps it was a reflection of our own upbringings. My husband, Rob, was raised by his single mother after his dad left the family home at a young age. My own parents were always there, but they seemed too busy for true connection. Even as the only girl, I received more attention than my brothers, but I still needed more, especially during my teen years and beyond. I remember in high school, I started skipping class and smoking, even getting caught stealing makeup with girlfriends. I was trying to be cool, rebelling for sure. My parents reacted with tough love, a wooden spoon here and there. By 11th grade, I smartened up and even made the honor roll. I love my parents dearly I know they did their best; they sacrificed so much to keep us alive. We were refugees from El Salvador, and before I was five, I had already experienced so much uncertainty.
Rob's upbringing was quite rough. He watched his dad battle heavy substance abuse and leave the family. His mom did her best, but with Rob constantly acting up and getting into trouble, he ended up running away from home. He didn't feel loved. So, when it came to raising our own child, we tried our best to pour love into her. Neither of us grew up with parents often saying "I love you," so we really emphasized saying it often to Eva. But I think we still missed out on being 100% present with her. We did everything we thought was right like any parents do, but with unhealed hearts and the constant pull from work and responsibilities, it was hard to truly connect.
The struggle was real, and for a long time, we felt lost. But then, a new season dawned, and the fog began to lift. That sweet girl we once knew was never gone; we just went through a season where God was growing all of us. Through our spiritual journey, we understood that certain habits needed to be removed and we needed healing to foster a healthier relationship with each other and with Eva. As I've shared in previous posts about healing, spiritual disciplines like prayer and fasting have truly helped us be more intentional about the slivers of time we now get with our girl.
Connection Breakthrough
Connecting with Eva finally began when I truly opened my heart to her, I told her that no matter what she did, I would love her, regardless of her actions. While I might not agree with all her choices, it would never change the fact that she was amazing in my eyes and truly precious to me. A profound shift happened; I believe that was the breakthrough. She truly felt loved and our connection is now so much better. I also learned to slow down and find the connection points, for us it’s in the morning hours as she gets ready for school. She and I will sit and eat breakfast together. Sometimes, if I don't have a meeting, I offer to help her with her hair. When she was little, I'd sit her on the bathroom counter and dry it out, but now I have to wait for those opportunities to connect. Styling her hair has become that moment. Honestly, I used to rush through it, but now I cherish it. I love just being available for her to open up and share what's been going on. For Rob, it's the ride home from school or dropping her off to spend time with friends. Their favorite way of connecting, though, is poking fun at mom!
Every child is unique and precious. I want to encourage you: don't worry about how your kids will make you look. Love them regardless of their actions, just like Jesus loves us unconditionally. No matter what we've done, no matter how much time has been lost, He is always there, holding no grudges, waiting patiently to welcome us back into His arms, just like in the story of the father’s love and the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). This is how we love our child now: unconditionally.
Show Them Grace
If you're in a season where you find it hard to love your kids, perhaps they're pushing all your buttons, focus on how you react and show them grace. Pray for God to help you to love them the way He loves them. For me, surrendering it all to God and fasting truly helped me have more self-control when anger and frustration bubbled up.
Below are a few ideas to connect with your teen, but remember, the key isn't necessarily what you do, but the unconditional love and grace you bring to every interaction. It's never too late to start unlocking connection with your own teen.
18 Fun Ideas to Connect with Your Teen
Just in time for Summer!
Here are some fun ideas you can try with your teen, even if there's little initial enthusiasm (in my experience, once the family is out, they usually come around!):
Go on a picnic: Pack a picnic blanket, music, books, magazines and snacks.
Arts & Crafts: Create things together. Check out this watercoloring painting set
Walks through trails: Bring water and your favourite trail mix. Here is one we love.
Cooking or baking together: Try going through a new recipe together. Here is a Ramen Comic Cookbook, I just ordered and I can’t wait to try.
Go out for a special meal: Hot Pot is our new favourite!
Coffee dates: This is a nice way to connect when you have limited time.
Clean the house: Play fun music and set out snacks for fuel and stay hydrated. We are loving this JBL speaker
Serve together: At your church or a local organization you love. We love to join Move for Freedom
Amusement parks: Wear comfy shoes and pack your water.
Water slides: Prepare ahead of time and pack beach towels, snacks & refreshments.
Quiet moments at home: In PJs with gentle classical music.
Spa day at home: Masks, DIY facial steam, we love these eye masks.
Movies that inspire: We call these slice of life movies.
Outdoor movie night: You'll need an outdoor projector and an empty wall.
Plan a BBQ or their birthday party together: Get creative with a theme and plan it out.
Drive out to a farm: Pet some farm animals and bring home fresh produce.
Family Vacation: Include your teens in decisions about what to do and where to eat.
Shopping trip to the mall: (This can be stressful, so prepare! Set a budget and talk to your kids about responsible spending - this one is hard)
Final note, remember to relax, be present and just go with the flow! :)